Gwynn's Grit and Grin

Many Thanks to Alex Cavanaugh for starting the Insecure Writer’s Support Group and to my friend, Patricia Garcia, for inviting me to join this supportive group.  I also thank this month’s IWSG co-hosts: Jennifer Hawes, Jen Chandler, Nick Wilford, Juneta Key, JH Moncrieff, Diane Burton, and MJ Fifield.

In regards to December’s IWSG question: In terms of your writing career, where do you see yourself five years from now, and what’s your plan to get there?

Sadly, my writing “career,” if that is what you want to call it is haphazard at best.  Initially, I wanted to write a book about my brother’s sad life, but I realized I had too few facts to create a book.  Then after taking writing classes for various aspects of writing I realized that I am happier writing short stories.  I especially loved Erma Bombeck’s style and wanted to follow in her footsteps.  Sad, but true, in attempting to publish my stories, I realized that the stories that magazines now publish are extremely different than in the “old days,” the stories I used to read.  Despite obstacles, I have managed to publish a few short stories though.

I have a thought about producing a book on Caregiving since I have been caregiving for my husband for a year.  Caregiving is NOT what I thought it would be like!  I suspect other people were surprised about how exhausting and maddening caregiving can be… who would know?

Recently, I received a book, DON’T WRITE YOUR BOOK WITHOUT ME, by Viga Boland.  The opening pages have hooked me right in to thinking about writing about my brother’s and my life again.  Viga’s book is a “page turner” for me as her comments are not the standard… she wants me to “Free fall” —starting with random thoughts rather than using a specific outline.  I like her thinking.

So my goal is to inspire my writing again… to actually accomplish more rather than shoving my writing in the garbage can.

Many Thanks to Alex Cavanaugh for starting the Insecure Writer’s Support Group and to my friend, Patricia Garcia, for inviting me to join this supportive group.  Sadly, due to life, I missed posting for October so I will post two posts this month.

November’s question for the writers is “What is your favorite aspect of being a writer?”  Actually, to be honest, I had never thought in terms of being a writer.  What I like is creativity, and writing gives me the opportunity to express my feelings around family events that in some cases deserve to be told.  My belief is that we learn from others’ life experiences… I hope people are listening.  Thanks for stopping by.

So many people take our senses of hearing, seeing, taste, and touch for granted.  Boy did I ever learn a good lesson when I picked up new hearing aids as I have lost 50% or more of my hearing in both ears.

Suddenly, driving, as the rain slams against my car, it assaults me as it sounds like machine gun fire interspersed with firework like pops as the cars passing me splash the puddles at my car.  My keys in the ignition clanked as they seemingly slammed against my CRV’s dashboard like a sledgehammer. The car seat sounds like the leather is cracking with my every move.

Normally, I turn the volume of my radio up quite high, but it nearly blasts me from the car.  My God, I can hear!  Now my car won’t bounce down the street with the beat of the music.

On my walks along the waterfront, I hear the waves lap against the shore as the seagulls scream their lungs out while laughing at me as they fly overhead.  I even hear the conversations of people walking in the park.  Children laugh and babies cry.  I can hear it all.  I jump as a jogger runs by me.  In the past, I could not hear someone coming up from behind me.

The other day down at the public restroom down at the Marina Park there was a mother with her three year old daughter.  We managed to leave the building at approximately the same time with me a few steps ahead of them.  Earlier that day the rain had drenched the earth and there were humungous mud puddles along the walk way leading from the restroom.  As we left, the mother mentioned that she needed some water.  The little girl pointed to the enormous mud puddle they passed and said, “Mom, there is your water back there.”  I absolutely chuckled, as without hearing I could not hear these fun conversations.

As I type, I hear the clatter of the keys on my computer’s keyboard.  Heck, I thought they were silent all this time.  The best sound in the world is my children’s and grandchildren’s voices without my saying “WHAT?” all the time.  However, I feel sorry for them as my new hearing aids screech every time I put my cellular phone near my ear.

In the kitchen, I hear the crinkle of the aluminum foil as I unroll it to wrap around my salmon.  The foil screams as I tear it off.  I used to complain that the timer on the oven was so soft it whispered at me.  NOW, I realize it sounded like a fog horn all this time.  I hear the clank of the silverware as I put it away in the drawer or pull out knives and forks when I set the table for dinner.

Yes, my family has a history of bad hearing, as I had lost over 50% of my hearing in both ears by the time I was 40.  However, ego and lack of money kept me from purchasing hearing aids.  I finally made the decision to wear hearing aids, several years ago, so now my old hearing aids were no longer receiving sounds, or my ears were filled with wax… YUP… BOTH.  After the audiologist drilled for gold in my ears and replaced my antique aides with new aides, the shock of hearing nearly gave me a headache!

Now, I hear the creak of the floor boards and the thuds of the people walking around in the apartment above us.  Oh yes, now I don’t have to leave my cellular phone’s volume on high.  I can HEAR again!  It’s a GREAT new world out there!

And now, don’t talk behind my back, as I CAN HEAR YOU!

“’Tis an old saying, That an Ounce of Prevention is worth a Pound of Cure.”     Benjamin Franklin

“He that eats till he is sick must fast till he is well.”            Thomas Fuller

“Desperate cases need the most desperate remedies.”  Hippocrates

“The wish for healing has ever been the half of health.”    Seneca, The Younger

OK, I have been Caregiving for nearly one year.  What a year this has been and certainly not as I planned or expected.  No one forewarned me about the calamities and crisis’ that could occur.  Somehow I didn’t expect caregiving to be so exhausting and emotionally draining.

In January, my husband had surgery for an extremely large and unusual Hiatal Hernia.  One the doctor had never seen before.  My line of thinking was, “OK, we’ll deal with this, but my husband will get better, and life will become easier for us.”  WRONG!

My husband also deals with extremely low blood pressure that is not related to his heart… but what?  His blood pressure is so low that literally if he goes from sitting down to standing up he passes out.  So now he is on medication to raise his blood pressure.  One problem —the medication’s side effect makes it difficult to urinate.  Now this issue creates scary complications.

I recently read some Caregiving Blogs that talked about the crazy situations that caregivers run into.  This is my latest ‘wake-up’ call.  First, for people with extremely low blood pressure, when they first wake up and attempt to get up, the blood doesn’t make it to their brain for quite a while.  Until the blood does hit their brain… they are clueless as to what they are doing.  It is like working with a large but very young child sometimes.

To prevent my husband from falling on the way to the bathroom at night, the doctor gave my husband a long jug with a cap (a urinal jug) so that he could sit on the side of the bed and relieve himself into the jug.  Fortunately … or unfortunately my husband’s jug does not become very full, but it is quite difficult for him to use if sitting down so he stands up… or tries!

Suddenly he starts to feel weak, so he catches his balance by falling forward while leaning against the bedroom wall, but then life suddenly goes south for him and he collapses on the side of the bed in a deep bouncing motion while swinging his jug around.  Like a kid bouncing on the bed he falls further and further backwards swinging the jug at me. I awake to a sloshing sound with the open jug aimed at me.  Luckily he missed anointing me with his pee.  When my husband attempts to stabilize himself he lays the jug on its side on top of the bed without capping it off, consequently the contents of the jug are now spilling all over the bed and the floor. Visualize drunk pirates staggering around with their beer steins swishing. They collapse and spill the beer all over themselves and others around them… now you can visualize my experiences with my husband’s jug.

When you become a caregiver for your spouse, the doctors forget to warn you of the fun you may experience.  I have offered to have my husband’s doctor come caregive for my husband to learn about low blood pressure issues, but for some reason the doctor politely declined.  We can either laugh about life or cry.  I choose to laugh.

Life reminds me of the lyrics to Frank Sinatra’s song, THAT’S LIFE!

That’s Life

Frank Sinatra

That’s life (that’s life) that’s what people say You’re riding high in April Shot down in May But I know I’m gonna change that tune When I’m back on top, back on top in June

I said, that’s life (that’s life) and as funny as it may seem Some people get their kicks Stompin’ on a dream But I don’t let it, let it get me down ‘Cause this fine old world it keeps spinnin’ around

I’ve been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate A poet, a pawn and a king I’ve been up and down and over and out And I know one thing Each time I find myself flat on my face I pick myself up and get back in the race

That’s life (that’s life) I tell ya, I can’t deny it I thought of quitting, baby But my heart just ain’t gonna buy it And if I didn’t think it was worth one single try I’d jump right on a big bird and then I’d fly

I’ve been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate A poet, a pawn and a king I’ve been up and down and over and out And I know one thing Each time I find myself layin’ flat on my face I just pick myself up and get back in the race

That’s life (that’s life) that’s life And I can’t deny it Many times I thought of cuttin’ out but my heart won’t buy it But if there’s nothing shakin’ come here this July I’m gonna roll myself up in a big ball and die My, my

Songwriters: VERNON DUKE, E. Y. HARBURG

© Warner/Chappell Music, Inc., Universal Music Publishing Group, IMAGEM MUSIC INC, SHAPIRO BERNSTEIN & CO. INC.

Many Thanks to my friend, Patricia Garcia, who invited me to join the Insecure Writer’s Support Group, started by Alex Cavanaugh. This month’s question is “How do you find time to write during your busy day?”  Good question!

Have you ever crashed into a “brick wall” that decimated your car or bike or even you?  Or have you ever had a horrific surgery where you struggled to recover?  Did it take you a while to build your nerve and strength back to get moving again?  What did it take for you to stop being afraid, or to take action to recover?

I have hit that “proverbial brick wall!”  It is the blank wall sitting in front of my computer.  My mind is void of thoughts, dreams, or craziness.  How do I revive my interest in writing?  How do I push to rework my stories?  This year has been exhausting for me as I have been caregiving for my husband since Christmas, and we had to move. I haven’t recovered yet!

Now, I keep busy driving my husband to doctors’ appointments as he can’t drive.  Additionally, now I have doctors’ appointments for me.  I’m driving from one end of the county to the other end.  I’m busy singing “On the Road Again.”  When I arrive home I’m mentally and physically exhausted.  Plus, old age is attacking me and I’m in serious pain, as my hips are attempting to divorce me and run away on their own.

I do have one constructive job. I have been asked to be on the “Street Team” for one of my author friends.  I’m enjoying reading her latest book that will be published in December, so I’ll look forward to writing a positive review.  So my writing is responding to the IWSG question this month and writing a book review.

Somehow I need to set some goals for me… AND follow though!

Many Thanks to my friend, Patricia Garcia, who invited me to join the Insecure Writer’s Support Group, started by Alex Cavanaugh. Now, all I have to do is come out of hiding in my insecure world.

I have noticed that despite my intention to work on some of my stories that I have not opened Word on my computer to even look at my stories for quite some time… like at least May.  So WHY…??

Ok, I’m human.  I’m discouraged.  I can’t concentrate.  This is the first effort I have made to write anything since last month’s IWSG posting.  The good news is that this post made me finally figure out what the problem is and why I’m in such a deep, dark hole.  You know what… I’ve been displaced.

Back in May my husband and I moved from a three bedroom, 2,000 sq. ft. home into an 800 sq. ft. apartment as my husband became seriously ill so I’m caregiving.  Also, I do a great job of being Humpty Dumpty too, so we just could not keep up the home thus we had to downsize.  Mostly, I feel comfortable in the apartment, but what I realized is that we had to give up “MY writing space,” my privacy, and my corner of the world.  I had a desk in a corner of our family room that looked out over a gully and Miller Bay.  I was surrounded by nature, the osprey nest in the top of the fir tree that looked like a space ship had crashed landed.  The bald eagles swooped down to grasp the salmon during spawning season.  Even the Easter bunnies charged across the lawn looking for my delectable flowers to munch on.

But now I am facing the living room wall with the TV behind me.  Yes, I’m surrounded with pictures of my grandchildren, and fun sayings like “Do what you love and happiness will follow” and “Something wonderful this way comes!” but I feel uprooted, stranded, and lost.

The comfort, joy, and inspiration that I enjoyed evaporated.  Determination is inherent in my soul, so now I’m remembering that it is TIME to dig it out especially when my calendar for August 1 reads “Do what you can with what you have, where you are.”  Hmmm, is that a subtle hint or what!

Today I received a reminder from Julia Cameron’s “The Artist’s Way” with the question, “What am I doing to inspire my inner artist?”  Actually at the moment, I feel more like I crashed into a concrete wall after going 100 MPH on my tricycle.

Now, I have no more excuses except to figure out a plan, sit down and glue my butt to the chair and get to work.  I need to find inspiration and my way again, in my new home.  I CAN do this!

What do you do to inspire your writing?  Does your mind automatically flow in interesting directions?  Or even how do you take a personal story that deserves to be told to fictionalize it?  Where does your guiding light come from?

“Keep changing, because when you’re through changing—you’re through.”  Bert-Olaf Svanholm 

“An essential aspect of CREATIVITY is not being afraid to fail.”  Isaac Newton 

“Always dream and shoot higher than you know you can do.  Don’t bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors.  Try to be better than yourself.”  William Faulkner

In reading the June issue of The Insecure Writer’s Support Group’s newsletter, Hannah Haney in her article “A Writer’s Voice has Power” poised an interesting question…

JULY 6TH QUESTION: What’s the best thing someone has ever said about your writing?

I’m laughing… I loved hearing that my writing is improving and growing stronger.  Heck, I have edited this article at least four times.  But foremost, the most important comment anyone made to me is that I write real.  Growing up in my family was like avoiding the Vietnamese landmines.  You needed to watch where you stepped.  As crazy as home life was for my brother and me, it was not as heart-wrenching as Frank McCourt’s life per his book, Angela’s Ashes, but there were situations that I truly believe should be told.

Invaluable life’s lessons sprout from books and stories whether through fact or fiction.  However, we don’t understand tripping over mole-holes or falling face first into the mud until we have walked in another’s shoes experiencing why they slipped up, first hand. Learn from others so that our lives will be better, and we will understand the pain and joy people around us experienced.

If you read memoir or fiction based on fact, WHAT is important to you about what you read? What draws you into the story? Why did you pick up the book in the first place?  What hooked you into the story? Are you interested in learning from others’ lives?  What bores you to tears… or did I just do that?  You see, I am insecure! I would LOVE to hear your thoughts and comments, so I hope you will share them with me.  You will help me grow. Thank you for your comments.

Many Thanks to my friend, Patricia Garcia, who invited me to join the Insecure Writer’s Support Group, started by Alex Cavanaugh.  Since my life has been torn in so many directions, I realize that I now need to learn to effectively participate in the IWSG group in order to receive the benefits.

I am still involved in caregiving for my sick husband, but if we can discover what specifically is wrong with him, there might be light at the end of my tunnel.  The good news is that we are relocated and settled.  The “Long Winter’s Nap” that I yearned for is now part of my daily routine.  Additionally, I have picked up Jonathan Evison’s book, “The Revised Fundamentals of Caregiving… A novel.”  My hope is that it will help me structure and sort through my thoughts and ideas about writing about my experiences of caregiving.  Yes, maybe I can actually throw some humor into this horrific situation.

But, this brings me to another issue… my fear, lack of confidence, and my negativity about my capabilities.  Yes, I have published a couple of short stories.  Despite my working to submit more stories nothing has been accepted.  Heck, I don’t even receive rejection letters… nothing!  When this happens my mind stays stuck like a record in the wrong groove as I replay my mother’s words about my lack of capabilities.  It is amazing the damage family history can play on our psyche!

Consequently, I need to keep learning, growing, and erasing history.  I need to actively work at supporting others so that I will receive support in return.  I need to step out of my hiding place too.  Is there anyone out there that feels as I do?